Downfall
Downfall
She was tall. Her long legs seemingly soared to heaven. Skinny waist
that my arms seemed to rest so perfectly around with a soft personality
and a bright smile as I would get lost in her eyes. She was my angel, I
was her soldier. It was going to last forever, but sometimes forever is
just too long.
I was 18, and in Arizona when I met her. Just a random browse
through face book of people close to my hometown. I had a girl at the
time, and she was taken as well. We would talk for hours, she would
ramble of hopes and dreams and time after time how he had let her down.
I was alone away from home with hundreds of people that just didn’t
care. I needed someone, she was my angel, and she filled that void.
The days turned to weeks, weeks into months until finally my
training was complete and it was time to make it home. When I met her
for the first time in person, it was unexplainable. She was in grey
sweatpants with a red hoodie. She didn’t even try and she was the most
beautiful thing I had ever seen. That car ride seemed like it took
eons…just sitting there staring at each other. It was like I was back
in middle school. Scared to touch, scared to speak, and scared to be me.
It was the first time in my whole life I ever remembered being
speechless. It was as if here she is the woman of my dreams, and she’s
finally mine. That night led to a kiss, and a kiss sealed everything.
Fireworks erupted inside me and butterflies suddenly burst with
explosions from my soul. She was it…she was it.
I had two weeks of leave time and I spent every day with my love.
We would talk and we just seemingly connected. She would throw her arms
around me and stare me in the eyes and tell me what I meant to her and I
felt as if I was superman and she was holding the kryptonite. The
fourteen days flew by, and I had to go to my duty station in Tennessee.
That first time leaving her was almost as hard as the last time. I
wanted to make every little moment last. Every touch, every whisper, and
every kiss I was holding onto like it was a saving grace.
The first nights away were torture. Once again it was a
relationship based on phone conversations, with every other weekend a
few short days to visit. Her parents loved me and mine loved her.
Besides the distance everything remained perfect. A little while in I
bought my angel a diamond. A little half carat stone that slipped around
her finger meant everything. Slowly over time, she began to stay at my
house and I would stay at hers. She was the warmest blanket I ever felt,
and that slow shy smile was more than amazing to wake up to. We would
wrestle and tickle, and make love. Oh did we make love. It was as if she
was able to pour every emotion out all over me, and I was addicted. The
nights away I would lay awake for hours and dream of calling her by my
last name. I had all intentions of giving her everything. I was her
soldier but she was my armor.
Finally I got word….I too would join the fight in Afghanistan.
It was three months away, I was set to leave in October, and when I got
back she would move down to Tennessee, and we would begin a life of
happiness. That was until the straw on the camel’s back began building.
It started with little arguments just stupid things. They never lasted,
and were always made up for with a little love session, but they were
there. We were a thousand miles apart some days it seemed. She still
lived at home, so she had to abide by her parents rules. She would just
disappear with me, and it began to build on her parents. This stress
pitted me against her parents. She would tell me one thing and then her
parents another. We were not on the same page, hell we weren’t even
reading the same books. I was blind, she was my love, and it was their
fault. But to them, it was mine for she was their angel, and this just
was not her. It caused fights between her mother and I, which resulted
in stress between my angel and me. That was the first stone.
The weekend came. My last days with my love were bitter sweet.
She loved me slower, kissed me longer, and held me tighter. We cried as
we held each other for the last time. I was holding everything I ever
wanted in my arms, and I had to walk away. Possibly the hardest thing
I’ve ever done in my whole damn life. I cried all the way back to
Tennessee and eventually cried myself to sleep that night. But we had
made it that far; Made it though the struggles, the parents, the
separation the pain. I never knew at that moment that that would be the
last time I ever felt her touch. The last time she looked into my eyes
and told me face to face she loved every piece of me and that it would
be alright.
So I ended up where I am today. The days were long, and I would wake
up early to call her every day. She was a free spirit, told me how she
missed me deeply and talked of plans of the future. She was waiting and
everything would be fine. However, the days grew to months, and tension
began to swarm around every conversation. She wants to be free and have
the drunken teenage parties, and just be a teenager. We were engaged,
she was my love, and I didn’t want it.
“Control” that was the second stone. The conversations between me and
her were still of love and still of forever. As then tension grew
however, so did the stories. She would tell me how much her family
despised her being with me. How they hated her for what she was doing.
We talked of every possible way that we could happily be together. Let’s
have a baby, let’s get married early, let’s run away….these were all
up for discussion. We were young…add another stone. Eventually I
randomly received an email one morning. She was ending things. I was too
much like my father, and her family would disown her if she ever stayed
with me. Lies…..stones are piling.
She emailed me again the next day. She couldn’t be without me. I was
exhilaratingly torn. How could I be with someone that was supposed to
adopt my last name just drop everything in a poorly written email? How
could I take that back? I had no choice, she was my angel. Things
changed drastically. For us to be together, I had to change everything I
was morally against, but I dropped that because I was planning on
forever. Foolishness…yes another stone. We did everything in secrecy.
I emailed her to a friend’s account, and no one knew we were still
together. We would show them however. I was going to be home at the end
of the following month for R&R and we would fix this. I would talk to
everyone face to face and explain the misunderstanding. Did I tell you
she was my angel?
The day came…..and it came like a freight train. It was
Christmas day, 2010. I was getting her so much, but for some reason I
was waiting to order it all. It was a secret how I could explain the
vast amount of gifts. I was only to call her cell phone so we could keep
the secret. Some reason today I called the house phone. Her mother
answered with a “Why are you calling here”. I tried to explain that in
fact her daughter and I were still enveloped in a budding romance, but
the words came. “She’s back with bobby”….”no she’s not I explained, I
know your just trying to get me to go away” “Seriously Steven, she’s
with him” ” Oh well we are still engaged” Then her mother made her pick
up the phone. “Baby doll, what’s going on”? I pleaded. All I received
back were some muffled explanations followed by a blur of tears and
mixed words. He was the one she was with before I came home. The drug
smoking cheater that was wrong for her. I was even shown where I could
find a picture of her and him….all wrapped in each other’s arms…her
still sporting my diamonds. It was all gone….everything we worked for.
Every 7 hour drive each weekend was a waste of gas expended into the
ozone. It was my downfall.
One of my good friends always told me. Dude, the best thing you
could ever do for yourself is find the right woman and marry her. The
opposite, the worst thing you could ever do for yourself is marrying the
wrong woman. I was distraught, I was childish, but I was alive. Where
did it all go wrong? Where did the passion go? It’s been six months, and
don’t think it doesn’t still get to me sometimes. I believe I have
explanations.
First, as foolish as it sounds KARMA. I had been with my share of
girls before her, not a lot really. The thing is I never really ever
treated any of them like they mattered to me. I gave everything to this
girl, treated her kind (for the most part). I did have my controlling
moments, and I could be an ass, but who isn’t. Second comes mentality. A
lot of the relationship was built on a physical aspect. The same friend
told me after it was over. Dude she wasn’t as smart as you; you’re a
damn genius when you want to be and she never knew that.
All you are missing now is that body of hers and what she could do with
it. When it became a relationship based on mental connection it turned
out we were like trying to stick together correlating poles on magnets.
Third, Family. We were raised different, I had more, and I was used to
more. Her family and mine both lived pay check to pay check, but I was
held to a different standard of living. It’s foolish to expect two
people would have received the same values and morals. I was the foolish
one for trying to imagine she would think the way of me. The whole
hierarchy of our families is different. I not saying one is better than
the other, but it caused another overlap in my perfect love plan.
All these are reasons, and truth is I can go on for days. My angel
was my downfall. I escaped, from possibly the worst decision of marrying
the wrong girl. This is why young love almost never lasts. So much of it
is built on the physical aspect. Distance doesn’t fall into that
equation, and every single love will fall if it doesn’t have something
more sound. I thank her for she taught me a lot. One how I should really
treat a girl like she’s my queen, and I’m trying to do that for everyone
that I cross. Never take any person, any hug, any embrace for granted.
It may be your last.
I learned that I have controlling ways, and my trust is jacked up, but
this is my fault. My ways are not of the female ways and I understand
that now. Sometimes you may not have an explanation for anything in
life, but don’t kill yourself trying to find answers. Just go with it.
Hop on that bored and ride that wave. She cheated, that’s wrong, but I
feel we both were at fault. My first real heartbreak. Probably won’t be
my last, but dammit I won’t hold on to every issue like this one.
With this little story I leave you with advice. A break up is a break
up. That’s all it is. Simply a broken connection between two beings.
Don’t treat it like it is the end of the world. Worst thing I ever did
for myself was walk around depressed comparing myself to that douche bag
and wondering how he could be better. He wasn’t better, he never will
be. He was just there when that pretty little body of hers needed loved.
Move on brother man or sister love, your heart in time will heal itself
and you will smile again. So smile now. Tomorrow truly is never and will
never be promised to you. Dream as if you will live forever, but live as
if it’s your last day in this existence. I wrote this story as a final
nail in the coffin. I don’t think about it nearly as often, and it
doesn’t haunt me so much. What comes around goes around, and it’s all
gone.
